When Pigs Fly
by Grimly Dandy
Summary: House is a mad scientist, Cuddy is a pyromaniac, Wilson is Rambo. All this and more could never happen unless zombies are taking over the hospital. Rated T for gore. Obviously a crackfic.


**AN: **Trying to get back into the fanfiction business, it's been a while. Anyway, I got this idea after seeing a play called **Famished**, it's about zombies taking over Victorian England. Add that to my current House obsession and you get this lovely piece.

Ye be worned: This story isn't just about zombies. Oh know, this story has a lot more in store, if you would just hit the REVIEW button and give me your input.

**When Pigs Fly**

"Here's the plan: We sneak downstairs into the lobby, Wilson uses the flame thrower to catch the zombies' attentions. Then Chase and Foreman start shooting at them – remember to aim for their heads – then when the way is clear, Cuddy and I will run ahead, escape the zombies, catch the first flight to Tahiti, and protect ourselves there with all the tropical drinks mankind can ever hope for. Any questions?"

"House, we are _not_ running away to Tahiti together and leaving everyone else for zombie grub."

"Well Cuddy, I see no other way out of this."

"Hmm…grub. Anyone else craving pizza?"

"Shut up, Chase!"

**EARLIER THAT DAY…**

Some would say that a lightning storm would be a cliché setting for a horror story…but not for this young writer, as the word "Cliché" was not in her dictionary. That page was ripped out during a struggle between her, and a giant Booster Juice cup.

ANYWAY, it was a dark and stormy morning, which was odd because the weatherman said it would be warm and sunny with not a cloud in site, which made Dr. House eager to believe that he wouldn't need to wear a jacket to work. Hence, when he stepped through the doors of Princeton Plainsboro teaching hospital, he was soaked to the bone and was what some would call, a grumpy misanthropic bastard. At that moment, all House wanted to do was wrap a warm blanket around himself, curl up into a little ball, and drink a mug of hot cocoa… and then maybe go up to his office. But just as House was about to search for a blanket to snuggle with, Dr. Cuddy came up to him.

"Clinic. Now."

To which House replied: "No. Tired."

"Too bad."

"I know, I guess I'll have to do my clinic hours later."

"You're doing them now."

At that precise moment, Dr. Chase exited the elevator and walked into the hospital's lobby after having ridden the elevator for the past two hours. He loved the elevator. It was his favourite past time, and all though the staff members at the hospital were used to seeing Chase standing in the corner giggling to himself as they traveled from one floor to the next, it was somewhat of a concern to visitors.

Evidently, Chase became bored with the elevator and walked into the lobby in time to hear House ask, "What if I have a case?" and suddenly took interest his boss and his boss's boss, and skipped over to say hello.

"Hello!"

House and Cuddy glanced at Chase oddly as said Aussie continued to smile at the two, not really waiting for a reply but just standing there to pass the time.

It was House who broke the silence: "Tell me we have a case."

"Uh…we have a case?"

Cuddy rolled her eyes and sighed. "No you don't." _You little prick_ she added silently. Or perhaps telepathically because House could have sworn he heard those words invade his mind even when Cuddy's lips weren't moving.

Chase's smile disappeared as he immediately became confused. "We don't?"

"No."

"She's lying, Chase. Of course we have a case."

"Well then what is it? Because I sure don't know."

Later, Cuddy would think over how cute Chase looked when he was flustered and confused. Stupid. But cute. "Dr. House, go to the clinic now. As for Dr. Chase… just go do something else for a while. Nobody wants you here." With that, Cuddy turned and left for her office. House made a lewd gesture at her back before walking in the opposite direction. As for Chase, who was not slighted at all by Cuddy's comment, followed House to the clinic.

"Women." House grumbled as they entered the waiting room.

Chase had no idea what House meant by this and so retaliated the best way he could. "I'm a man."

The older doctor frowned. "Sometimes I wonder." He said, looking down at Chase skeptically.

In the clinic, House noticed a large number of patients that were waiting to be checked out were green looking and groaning a lot, many had visible gruesome injuries that seemed to almost resemble bite marks. Must be a virus going around.

"Is there another flu going around that we have to start worrying about?" He asked no one in particular. "I was hoping after the swine flu pandemic that would be it."

"There's a patient waiting for you in exam room three, Dr. House." An unimportant looking nurse said as he handed a medical file to him. House decided that he was getting bored of Chase following him around so he waved his cane in front of the stupidly cute doctor.

"What's this, boy? What's this?" He said in an excited, animated voice.

Chase followed the cane with his eyes and when he tried to reach for it, House held it away.

"You want the stick? Huh? You want it? You want the stick?"

He was starting to get very excited and jumpy as he tried to leap for the cane again.

This time, House flung the cane across the room. "Go get it, boy!" As Chase ran after the stick, House snuck into exam room through and closed the door, leaving Chase standing in the middle of the waiting room holding his cane, looking very confused and hurt. But he soon got over it as he sat in the corner of the room and played with House's cane.

Meanwhile, in the exam room, House was faced with a rather odd looking patient. Sitting on the exam table, was a man with pale green skin. His eyes were glazed over as he stared at House with a slack jaw, saliva slowly dribbling past his yellow teeth and chapped lips and down his chin. His right arm looked absolutely ghastly, as if someone had tried tearing it off. His skin was ripped open partway, exposing tendons and muscles and – _Is that a bone_?

Shaking his head, House looked at the patient's forms as he spoke, "Well, Mr…?"

"Erngh."

"Mr. Erngh, I don't know what to say. Well, actually I do, I'm just messing with you. Mind telling me what happened to your arm?"

"Argh eh oog."

"Yes, I can see that. What I mean is _how_ did it get ripped open?"

"Nargh off!"

House sighed. "Okay fine, it's none of my business. But we need to get a better look at sometime in the near future so – Wow!" House looked up to see that Mr. Erngh was standing merely inches away and staring at the doctor hungrily. "Now, Mr. Erngh, I think we should discuss the importance of _personal space_." The man snarled and leaned in further. House stepped back until he hit the door, and searched for the doorknob with one hand as his eyes were glued to Mr. Erngh.

"Grargh!" He exclaimed. His severed hand hung lifeless by his side as he reached for House with the other. The doctor noticed an open wound on his other forearm that looked as if something had taken a bite out of it.

At long last, House found the doorknob and turned it. The door swung open just as Mr. Erngh leaped for him. He missed, and toppled on top of the unimportant nurse from earlier. House stared in awe at the entire room. The entire clinic had turned into gruesome chaos as the sickly green people that had been sitting patiently just moments ago were attacking the nurses and other patients.

Chase, who was still sitting in the corner with House's cane, was oblivious to all this.

"Exit, stage left." House muttered to himself as he limped as inconspicuously as possible away from the scene and towards Cuddy's office. He grabbed his cane back from Chase, who only then realized what was happening and hurried after his boss.

Strange enough, while the clinic was under attack, the lobby was almost completely calm. No one was aware that a mere wall was protecting them (for now at least) from a zombie invasion. House didn't stop to think about this however as he saw another one of his undead friends enter Cuddy's office.

**AN:** For every time you don't submit a review, a zombie will come and steal all your oreos. REVIEW IF YOU LOVE OREOS.


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